Okie, I think I have posted about my parents quite some time ago, but I am now encountering even more problems with them, so let's see if any of you can help me out with ways on how to deal with them.

My parents are currently residing in Malaysia (they have their own house there), they are both retired and received quite a reasonable amount of allowances from me every month. They have access to my car (which I am paying for as well, they only fork out money for the petrol) so they have no problem getting around. They are both in their late fifties and I am trying my best to make sure that they are enjoying their retirement period.

Recently I ROMed with my husband and my parents have been causing problem ever since. At first they pestered me on why can't I hold my wedding banquet together with my ROM ceremony and I told them that I do not have enough money to do so. Both me and my husband are not millionaires, we are just average people trying to earn a living to survive in this city which has a high cost of living as well. We told them we will hold the banquet in one or two years time and for a short while, they seemed to be ok with that idea. After that they changed their mind and wanted me to get a house instead. So I said I can use our savings to buy the house first but because of that, the banquet would have to be pushed until even later.

So obviously they are not happy about that because they said I am making them "lose face" in front of their relatives and they kept thinking that I am not going to hold the banquet anymore in the future. I really dunno how to explain it to them at times. Everytime I try to explain something to them they will doubt my words and said I don't care about their "face" anymore, don't care about their well-being anymore. If I really do not care, I won't even spend a single cent on their allowance every month (which is quite a hefty sum, it takes up around 40% of my total pay every month). When I try to explain things to them, they will keep threatening to come to my workplace to create a scene. I really can't afford to let them do that if I want to still work peacefully in my workplace for a long duration...

Another thing is that my hubby and I have plans of migrating to another country in maybe 6 or 7 years time...but that time they should be quite old already (and maybe one of them would have already passed away). I am the only child in the family and I do not want to shirk my responsibility of taking care of them but if I migrate, how do I go about it? Is it alright if I just hire a full time nurse or maid to take care of them in my absence?

I really want to be filial and responsible towards them but sometimes they do make things very difficult for me. Appreciate any comments or ideas on how I can solve this problem or at least stop them from keep bugging me...thanks for reading.

move to malaysia to look after them

look for job in malaysia.

 

are you malaysian?

since they want their face so much, just tell them the house will have to wait..? if it riles u so much, just tell them u dun have money and show them ur passbook.. and tell them u want to do things step by step, with financial security as a priority.. share with them ur plans.. at least they noe whats going on..

and do tell them if they go make noise at ur workplace, u wun have a job, and u wun have face, and u wun have money, and THEY wun have face.. coz the wedding dinner cant proceed as planned.. sometimes when the folks are getting old, nid to repeat to them many times one..

and the migrating thingy.. i think it's quite hard for u, since ur the only child.. coz by that time they will stil be alive and kicking.. 60 plus only.. still ard de la.. sure hard for u to migrate..

only daugther some more

hold simple dinner can?

only invite close relative only,

maximum 10 tables, both your relatives & husband relatives

so that your father can gain his faces,

invite only adult no children,

 

ask him to pay for the banquet

Dear Rainee

 

Blessings to you and Rin~ ^^

 

Maybe you can make your parents stop pressing you to hold a banquet or buy a new house by asking them to contribute a sum of money to the banquet/house expenses which I believe they wun be willing to do that.  Since they want face, tell them you will deduct 50% of your allowances to them every month, sell off the car to save up a sum of money to hold banquet or buy big house lor.  Tell them that you need to support them, support yourself, the car, give allowance to your in-laws and family planning.

 

With regards to your concern on migration, i think it's too early to think about that..you cannot predict what will happen tmr.  If you do not have the ability to hold a banquet in 1 or 2 yrs, why think of migrating in 6 or 7 yrs? 

 

All the best.

 

 

 

 

 

hold simple dinner S$800 each

10 tables S$8000

tea cermonery, will your father & mother waiting to drink your 2 tea?

do not reduce your parent monthly allowance

do PM me

i can assist you with dinner location? not that high class "star rated"

but "easy repayment method"

 

Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:

move to malaysia to look after them

look for job in malaysia.

 

are you malaysian?

Yes, I am a Malaysia, but currently a PR here.

It is not possible for me to move back to Malaysia at the current moment, I am bonded to my job in Singapore for the next 4 years.

Originally posted by purpledragon84:

since they want their face so much, just tell them the house will have to wait..? if it riles u so much, just tell them u dun have money and show them ur passbook.. and tell them u want to do things step by step, with financial security as a priority.. share with them ur plans.. at least they noe whats going on..

and do tell them if they go make noise at ur workplace, u wun have a job, and u wun have face, and u wun have money, and THEY wun have face.. coz the wedding dinner cant proceed as planned.. sometimes when the folks are getting old, nid to repeat to them many times one..

and the migrating thingy.. i think it's quite hard for u, since ur the only child.. coz by that time they will stil be alive and kicking.. 60 plus only.. still ard de la.. sure hard for u to migrate..

I already shared with them my plans, but I feel that after I tell them my plans they started to pester me more and more leh...

It is like they want everything to be done immediately, yet they dun understand I dun have the means to do it. For example, they want me to get the house and move in straight away, I said must be able to at least pay the downpayment/COV only then can move in ma...but they insisted that it can be done straight away. Really at my wits' end on how to explain things to them...

Originally posted by zaxis:

only daugther some more

hold simple dinner can?

only invite close relative only,

maximum 10 tables, both your relatives & husband relatives

so that your father can gain his faces,

invite only adult no children,

 

Most restaurant need to have at least 15 tables and above before they let you hold a banquet there leh...

And they want the whole thing like must have photoshoot, bla bla...confirm will cost 10k and above de.

Originally posted by NG QIBO AARON AUBREY:

ask him to pay for the banquet

I think I have already mentioned in my first post that neither of us are a millionaire.

rainee ah... sometimes plans cannot be shared with parents de, very hard to "siam" after that..

Originally posted by browniebaobao:

Dear Rainee

 

Blessings to you and Rin~ ^^

 

Maybe you can make your parents stop pressing you to hold a banquet or buy a new house by asking them to contribute a sum of money to the banquet/house expenses which I believe they wun be willing to do that.  Since they want face, tell them you will deduct 50% of your allowances to them every month, sell off the car to save up a sum of money to hold banquet or buy big house lor.  Tell them that you need to support them, support yourself, the car, give allowance to your in-laws and family planning.

 

With regards to your concern on migration, i think it's too early to think about that..you cannot predict what will happen tmr.  If you do not have the ability to hold a banquet in 1 or 2 yrs, why think of migrating in 6 or 7 yrs? 

 

All the best.

 

 

 

Thanks for the well wishes :)

I can't cut their allowances, they will give me no peace if I do that. I am also trying to let them enjoy their life after retirement but seems like maybe they are too free le, then keep thinking more and more and come up with weird thoughts and start bothering me with all the petty, trivial stuff.

Originally posted by tinuviel07:

rainee ah... sometimes plans cannot be shared with parents de, very hard to "siam" after that..

I am really very confused now.

Sometimes I don't want to tell them, but they will keep asking me until I have no choice but to tell them.

But I never tell them anything much, just told them that I will be getting a house some time next year. I had thought they would be happy to hear that, but it seems like now they come up with other things to bug me about ie about the banquet.

It is like endless pestering. It is getting to be very irritating and harder for me to tolerate as the time goes by.

at some point in time you get to choose between bailing out and making your own lot in life, or walking behind the chinese culture of 孝.

i believe your time has come. 

suggested u to tell tell them that u will cut their allowances is just to scare them.

 

actually if u dun intend to invite too many ple, maybe 20 tables at the most, it should be affordable ba.. i have colleagues who held banquet in malaysia for RM$3000 for 10 tables.

 

as chip says, sometimes must have moderation...

i used to share with my parents everything because they are my family.. but i realise it's too tiring because they will use it against me when they need to.. so i stop sharing too much.. share things to keep them occupied can liao...

 

anyway forgot to congrats you!!

Originally posted by soleachip:

at some point in time you get to choose between bailing out and making your own lot in life, or walking behind the chinese culture of 孝.

i believe your time has come. 

So you suggest that I just abandon them to fend for themselves?

Originally posted by browniebaobao:

suggested u to tell tell them that u will cut their allowances is just to scare them.

 

actually if u dun intend to invite too many ple, maybe 20 tables at the most, it should be affordable ba.. i have colleagues who held banquet in malaysia for RM$3000 for 10 tables.

 

I have tried threatening them with that last time, but they just threatened me back that they will come and make trouble in my office. And they really did at one point, that's why I am scared they will repeat it again.

I have to hold the dinner in Singapore cos most of our friends here, then Rin's relatives are also here...but think will need to hold a smaller gathering for my relatives in KL...

Originally posted by rainee:

So you suggest that I just abandon them to fend for themselves?

i don't know. somewhere down the line, someone's got to do the dirty job.

it's your call dear.

you must put your foot down on things that cannot negotiate that much.. i understand being filial but you are your own person too.. you must make them understand that you have your own opinions and ideas and that doesn't mean that you are unfilial.. it's not mutually exclusive..

Originally posted by tinuviel07:

as chip says, sometimes must have moderation...

i used to share with my parents everything because they are my family.. but i realise it's too tiring because they will use it against me when they need to.. so i stop sharing too much.. share things to keep them occupied can liao...

 

anyway forgot to congrats you!!

So you think it is too much that I shared with them I am going to get a house next year?

Last time I just kept everything from them, then they also not happy and kept bugging me cos they said they dunno what is happening to me and they feel worried. So now I try to keep them updated they also get angry.

Really at a loss of what to do.

put it this way lah.. i moved up for 2 years because i shared too much and they wouldn't stop bugging me.. once i'm out, they treat me like don't know how nice..

put it another way. my bro in law is over-filial to his parents that my sister and him just divorced.. so don't let yourself endure too much...

it's not worth it even if they are your parents

Originally posted by tinuviel07:

you must put your foot down on things that cannot negotiate that much.. i understand being filial but you are your own person too.. you must make them understand that you have your own opinions and ideas and that doesn't mean that you are unfilial.. it's not mutually exclusive..

Yes, I have tried doing that. Thing is everything I managed to calm them down they will come up with some other issues to bug me with. Like tonight they worry that I won't take care of them when they get older. Sigh.

I would have just put my foot down and refused to answer their call if not because they will come and create a scene in my workplace. As I said earlier, it has happened before and it was not a pretty situation.

Originally posted by tinuviel07:

put it this way lah.. i moved up for 2 years because i shared too much and they wouldn't stop bugging me.. once i'm out, they treat me like don't know how nice..

put it another way. my bro in law is over-filial to his parents that my sister and him just divorced.. so don't let yourself endure too much...

it's not worth it even if they are your parents

Yes, I know shouldn't be over filial...sometimes I dunno whether I am being over filial or not. I actually dun feel much attachment towards them because when i was younger, I was actually abused and beaten up quite badly by them. Even until now they have never regretted their action and justified it by saying that every parents do that to their kids anyway.

I am not doing it because I really feel affectionate or attached towards them. I am just doing it out of obligation and trying to keep things peaceful. I am not someone who likes to stir up shit if it can be avoided.