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LoginJokes Thread (Misc)
18 posts
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I am a prosecuting attorney in a small Mississippi town and will admit to having a few extra pounds on me. Not long ago, I was questioning a witness in an armed robbery case. I asked, "Would you describe the person you saw?"
The witness replied, "He was kind of short and stout."
"You mean short and stout like me?" I asked.
"Oh, no," the witness said. "He wasn't that fat."
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It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert. I'd get in the fighter's stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I'd say, "One-two, one-two," and he would imitate me over and over. I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our son to a birthday party. When the boy's mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to Robert and asked, "Would you like one too?" It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.
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My baby-sitter knows not to bring my one-year-old daughter, Ami, into the supermarket where I work. One glimpse of me at the checkout counter and Ami will scream until she's in my arms. But one day, with the fridge empty, Maxine had no choice. And, as predicted, when my daughter spotted me, her wailing could be heard throughout the entire store. Unsure what to do, I just smiled and continued scanning a customer's groceries. "That's right, honey," said the woman I was waiting on. "You just keep smiling and thank God she's not yours."
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An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
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While I was paying for my items in a local store, the man behind me laid his purchases on the counter. Among them was a large, flowery birthday card with "To my wonderful wife" printed on the front. The clerk said, "You've chosen our biggest and prettiest card."
The man nodded sadly and replied, "One day late."
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My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."
My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
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Originally posted by Ferret:
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”lmao
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